I only have about half a verse so far: (feel free to sing along)
So my father has become well known at this point for having a difficulty in receiving large gifts. It's something that has bugged my mom for a while now. My brother this year had a long list of things that he wanted, but had a hard time narrowing it down and ultimately decided that he didn't really need any of it, and nuked his entire list and announced that he didn't need anything and he didn't need to be given anything, but he was working on getting a new car with my dad and that is all he really needed. My mom was angry because how could she buy him gifts he didn't tell her what he wanted? I joked that he was becoming more like dad. But it was me, ironically I guess, that really ended up like my dad this year.
My mom gave me, as her big surprise gift to me this year, a new car stereo. I was certainly surprised. I reacted poorly. I reacted like my dad might have, I guess. Sure, I might want a new stereo for my car (it has only a broken cassette deck), but I certainly wouldn't use one and I have more pressing car-related needs than that. I don't use my car hardly at all. A car is a vehicle, a means, not an end, and most of my driving lately has been to and from the bus stop. Sure, I have a crappy radio, but I also have crappy speakers. If I were to have a new stereo installed I'd need new speakers and ultimately I'd have more money invested in audio equipment than value left in the car itself.
I expressed jealousy that my sister has now had 2 car stereos paid for by my mom, but I didn't mean that I wanted a car stereo... I was expressing my jealousy that my parents have spent at least more than quadruple what they spent on my car on my sister's cars and stereos. In the time that I've had my car, which I emptied my savings account to pay for half of, my sister has gone through two cars, my brother has gotten a new car, and my parents traded for two new cars themselves. I officially have the cheapest and oldest car around. My car is the only one lacking in power locks and power windows, which I could certainly use more than a new stereo. Those would be really nice to have.
But I haven't complained! Like I said, I don't use my car much, at least not by choice, and I don't need much. I'm satisfied with what I have right now, and I don't mind scraping together the money myself to buy myself my next car. Maybe I'll even buy an actual "new" car, when I get the chance, instead of spending months in the classifieds and used car lots. I'm perfectly fine with that.
But I feel bad for not reacting with joy when my mom tried to give me a new car stereo to at least make my car that small bit nicer and more homely. I feel bad for letting that hit my existing seasonal depression wave and spiral into a heavier depression this week. I figured I'd write something about this just to get it out of my head. That weird catharsis in public expressions of private pains. I don't think that I ruined Christmas, but I did put a small damper on my mom's joy. I know that she knows that I love her and can only hope that that is enough.
I'm worried about myself, I guess. I don't know what I'm doing sitting here trying to reevaluate what's going on rather than trying to get some actual work done or get some actual relaxation time in. I have a Starbucks application in my pocket and I've been thinking about dropping out of school. I don't know what the best course of action here is... I don't think I'm going to shake things up that drastically, but I don't know what I'm doing right now. I need to get out more. I need to do something different. I don't know what. It's been a long December.