I spent a night in Evansville this weekend. (For those following the blog, I mentioned Evansville last in my first (and possibly not last) [On Following a Lesson in Networking] post.) I'm not entirely sure why I went. Partly it was simply because an old friend asked me to, and as a reason it is a good one. Partly it was simply a chance to take a break and have a random road trip to somewhere I've never been before, and as a reason it isn't particularly good, but I've done it before. The remainder, I just can't quite seem to figure out.
The theme, I think, is that my sphere of friends doesn't contain all of the variety that I seek. As much as I enjoy hanging out with my friends, I have this nagging feeling that something is missing. The easy answer is that I'm a horny male who isn't getting enough (any) sex, and that is what is bothering me. I'm sure that's what a psychoanalyst might tell me after some time talking and perhaps an outrageous fee, but I don't think it is the answer I am looking for. Therein, I think, lies the rub: I think the sort of person I'm looking for is the sort of person who could tell me what the real answer, the hard answer, to my dilemma is. My loneliness is a much deeper one, it's almost what some would call a spiritual loneliness. I don't think I'm looking for sex, I'm looking for discussion, conversation, and an intimacy of the mind, and I don't know where to go looking for it.
It was easy to fall into old patterns of discussion this weekend, patterns of discussion I hadn't had in some time for such length and depth, and I enjoyed it immensely. But, my friend was an old muse and could only lead me to past discussions, which is not a fault of hers, but my own wanderlust. It is the same thing I feel in all other aspects of my life; I am always looking for something new. For all I know, such a psychological need will forever doom me to loneliness. How, pray tell, can such a woman exist as who can put up with my own wandering mind? Even tougher, where in the world should I look to discover such a being? I would probably be better instead searching Mount Olympus, or the halls of Valhalla. Is this yet another area in my life where I just have too big expectations?